Readers Write In #859: My Evolving Relationship with Movies

By Ashwin Kumar

After having cleared my head about my journey through books, I found myself thinking about the same now with movies 

  This is gonna be a long one as it spans 4 decades and more.

I was told that my very first movie was “Bala Nagamma” (1981). Maybe that was the starting point of my phobias 

.  Actually, my journey with movies began even before my birth. The house I was born into – my grandfather’s palatial home, where we lived as a joint family until 2007 had its own connection with cinema. A horror film called “Aaayiram Janmangal” was shot there, starring Rajini, Vijayakumar, and Latha. I remember being told how the ghost in that movie wandered in my grandfather’s very own corridors. As a child, listening to these stories terrified me and left me uneasy.

My first decade was mainly about 2 genres of movies: Horror/Horror-fantasy & Action.  Even the names were enough to terrify me. We had a VCR at home, and Evil Dead (I remember there were so many sequels) was a regular among the rentals. I was so frightened of it that even seeing the cassette cover with the title written on it would send a shiver down my spine. Back then, it was the age of Nagin, Nagina, and others like them with crazy plots. Alongside all this, my mother and my grandmother often whisked my sister and me to watch the Kannada actor Ravichandran movies (during my summer vacations in Mangalore). They were filled with sleazy songs and over-the-top drama. I sat through them without much choice.

What I remember most from those times were watching a lot of action movies – the typical 80’s Hollywood action stuff . I recall movies like the Police Academy Series, Rambo. There was one particular movie we wore out completely: Delta Force starring Chuck Norris about a hostage rescue mission in Beirut. We must have watched that cassette so many times that if the cassette had the power to speak, it would have cried.

I recall how some films became landmarks in Coimbatore itself. For instance, Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak ran for 365 days, and its posters were all over the city. And then there was Anjali, which left an unforgettable mark on me – especially so because my grandmother passed away during a screening, and we all rushed out of the theatre. To this day, I’ve never been able to revisit its songs. Still, I remember being fascinated by the cool kids in the movie and their fancy “ankle high sneakers” , something I only managed to get my hands or rather my feet on many years later.

I also vividly remember munching corn-puffs for the first time watching He-Man: The Movie at Central Theatre, a landmark in Coimbatore that has now closed down. Also, around this time, I became so obsessed with action that I had a poster of Rajinikanth in a “Commando” inspired outfit from “Mannan movie”, and I refused to watch films without guns. I even remember pestering my cousin after he saw the movie “Mapillai” movie, asking, “Does it have guns in it?” He said there was one in the climax. That wasn’t enough for me. 

 There were a lot of Jackie Chan and even Samo Hung. I also was exposed to a lot of Hindi movies and clearly remember Shehenshah, Tridev, Meri Jung.  I even mimicked Anil Kapoor’s “One Two Ka Four” dance when no one was watching. 

 I also became a Kamal fan. There was something intellectual about him that pulled me in. When Guna and “Thalapathi released, I found myself defending Guna feeling strangely connected to its strange emotions than Thalapathi. The scene where Guna mourns the sparrow’s death touched me. I could feel his pain. Then came Roja in 1992. It felt so different from the others with Rahman’s music. Ah, I recall what a pathetic singer I was, yet I was trying my best to blend in with the other kids in my class who brought “Paadal Puthagams” which had lyrics to movie songs. Yes, they were a thing in those days. I attempted to sing “Muthumani rathinangalo…” holding my breath like SPB and failing miserably at it.

And back to action – Pulan Visaranai with its intro sequence inspired by Commando 

, Captain Prabhakaran, Managara Kaval impressed me with their action. So did the Rajasekhar.

Yet all this horror and fantasy I am sure impacted me (an oversensitive child) a great deal. I grew up terrified of the dark, and anything that moved in the shadows left me shit-scared. The second decade was my own “Wonder years” (This was a show from Star Plus back in the day) 

 . I remember the day I cycled to the theatre with my friends to watch Cliffhanger. This was my first unsupervised outing, and in my mind, I felt and acted like an adult. More than the movie itself, what stayed with me was the feeling of empowerment of having my own cycle, riding to the theater, and watching a film on my own terms. It felt like freedom. We were cheering for Shahrukh khan’s Baazigar, dancing to Dr. Alban and Michael Jackson’s Dangerous while also chilling to Apache Indian and Baba Sehgal. A new India post liberalization was emerging and we were growing alongside (like the voiceover says in the movies)

With the arrival of dish antennas and Star Movies in India,  cool movies came right home! Before that it was only Doorsharhan and the clock timer on TV ticking towards “Ezhu Mani seithigal” filled me with the dreadful feeling that Sunday was over and next day was school!

Even then I remember movies on Star movies came with ratings. My brother and I sneaked up to the tv to watch MTV Grind while also curious to discover what the after dark rated movies had to offer. And I am sure all the curiosity was kindled by the day time exposure to us kids through soap operas on Star plus like “Bold and the Beautiful”, “Santa Barbara”.  Adolescence also brought along with it secret screenings. Once we pooled money to rent a VCR, sneak into a friend’s room, and watch films like “Basic Instinct” and “Sliver” and graduate to more. Sharon Stone was the ultimate seductress and every boy’s dream 

 And the regional equivalent was Mamtha Kulkarni with “Baro. Maang meri Baro” and Raveen Tandon with “Tip Tip Barsa Pani” Meanwhile, Hollywood was changing too. “Speed” endeared to me with its cool SWAT teams and gear and soon I was hooked on action thrillers like Air Force One and The Peacemaker. Action movies were getting better. My brother and I even bought gun replicas and took stills posing like SWAT team members later when we started earning.

But by 11th and 12th grade, movies slipped a bit into the background. Fear of studies overtook everything.  College went by without much change in my viewing habits. But after graduating, while waiting six months for my job offer to be honoured, everything shifted. My brother returned from studies in Australia in the summer of 2002 with a suitcase full of DVDs and a player. It was like a treasure chest, and I buried myself in it. That was when I discovered the ‘Nam movies. Largely due to being a brother, I became curious about the Vietnam war and consumed most of the movies related to it. It was also the time we watched a lot of Michael Bay. My brother used to call him the “Shankar” of Hollywood of Hollywood – pure masala

The third decade was when I started choosing my movies. Until then, movies had always come to me. I didn’t have the money to buy or choose much. But once I began earning, I started curating my own collection. The very first DVD I bought was JFK. Oliver Stone’s weaving of conspiracy and history blew my mind. I became obsessed and watched all his films. Around the same time, I also watched The Godfather trilogy. When I finally moved to Chennai for work in 2005, pirated DVDs from Burma Bazaar widened my access further. Movies became my comfort as I found my feet in the big bad city (actually Chennai was kind to me helping me thrive later in life when I figured it out). Even then if a film didn’t grip me in the first 20-25 minutes, I would stop. I showed no mercy to movies that didn’t interest me. 

 This was also the time I started picking a director who appealed to me and devoured their filmography. My favourites were Guy Ritchie (Nobody does Gangster crime entertainers like him!), Martin Scorcese, Brian De Palma, Quentin Tarantino, Tony and Ridley Scott, David Fincher. Then came Helsinki, Finland. Those were a few depressing months in the winter there, and movies again became my comfort, my lifeline. They kept me in good spirits but also made me realize how addicted I had become.  A bright spark in all the misery was the brief conversation with Surya, the actor. My colleague back then was Surya’s college mate and handed the phone to me for a min.His six pack stills were a rage on the internet at that time and I congratulated him. When I returned to Chennai in 2010 to work at Tidel park for my first Project Lead role. I was watching so many movies that it was inevitable that something had to slip out. All those movies had created something in me: a sports-based thriller inspired by the IPL. I wrote down the plot that formed in my mind into a novella and even hired an artist to do the illustrations between pages and self-published it on Pothi.com under the title “Kiriket”. 

Later I remembered an earlier instance where something similar had happened – in 8th grade, when I had written two pages of a Hardy Boys-in-Mumbai story before giving up. With “Kiriket”, I was so naive and ambitious to imagine that someone might act in it one day 

. I wrote the story as if Actor Karthi would play it and even named him “Saravanan” (Actor Surya’s real name). I even pitched it to an acquaintance from college – a Facebook friend at the time, who is now a famous producer. He politely told me that they don’t accept stories from outsiders, only from directors they work with. And that was the end of my chance at pitching it. 

And right after that, I wrote another short story for submission to a Landmark short story competition in 2011 – About an IT professional leading a mundane life longing for love. Yet when he goes off to sleep at the office, he dreams of being a Superstar and all the people from his normal life turn up in different ways. The dreams are side effects from a pill for his mental health.  When a movie years later released a strikingly similar premise, I was super convinced that my short story submission had leaked. Even though my writing was amateurish, I thought the plot was pretty innovative. In 2014, I wrote again to the committee and complained. There was no reply. I called up my brother who knew about my story and asked if we file a case, what could be the chances of winning? He said not to bother. I still keep my submission as forensic proof and still mighty pissed off. So, this decade was not just about watching movies – it revealed the story teller inside me!

The next decade started with discovering Malayalam films and Fahadh Faasil. I knew right away this guy was special. He was like a chameleon becoming the character he was playing. He came across as so effortless in films like Chappa Kurishu, 21 Female Kottayam, 24 North Kaatham, Annayum Rasoolum. I used to tell my friends and relatives, “He’s the best actor in the country.” They didn’t quite understand what I was raving about – not until a few years later. When the rest of the world finally caught up, I had my “I told you so” moment.

In my mind, I had run out of Hollywood movies. Although I enjoyed what Marvel was doing, I craved more intense cinema.  I had this strange mind block back then about watching the classics – I could not watch Black & White movies (most of the classics) & Animated movies. Except for the 12 Angry Men, High and Noon and a couple more – I have not watched any Mot even Akira. I know I must and I will now that I have slowed down. Also, 3D movies were something that annoyed me. I found them too dark and headache inducing. Now with better glasses they are manageable, yet I would always prefer 2D over 3D. And I never returned to horror again after my first decade. 

Lady luck shined on me, and I discovered Korean movies, and it blew me away. What a revelation. The thrillers were unlike anything I had seen. They treated the serial-killer genre the way we treat love stories – exploring endless variations with new twists, deep emotions, and intensity. I was hooked. Along with Korean I started searching for the all-time best movies from other languages –  Brazilian, Spanish, French.

Inspired by the projectors in my office, I desired to have a home theatre set up when I settled down after marriage. I was living life like a nomad all this time. From the time I came to Chennai until I returned to Coimbatore in 2019, I would have resided in 16-17 dwellings – from shared apartments to PGs to 1 BHK apartments in the Thiruvanmiyur, OMR, Velachery areas. All this while, I was determined to settle down in Coimbatore and a home theatre set up was a non -negotiable. But the AV receivers were pretty expensive and out of my reach in 2014. My friend in the US helped me buy one for 1/3^rd of the price in India and I lugged the 10 kg heavy equipment back to India after an onsite visit to NY. The projector and speakers were again out of my reach and the Denon AV receiver had to wait gathering dust for 7 long years until it came alive after the first wave of Covid when I decided to invest in a Benq projector and Yamaha speakers. It was actually out of compulsion that theatre visits may never be a possibility again and since then it has become my comfort.  

Marriage brought a new chapter in my movie journey. My wife is a Kannadiga from Bhadravati, and I am half Kannada, half Tamil. When she moved to Chennai and we began living together in our apartment, I was still spellbound by Korean thrillers. Naturally, I wanted her to like what I liked. So, the very first movie I played for her was “The Chaser”.  To me, it was brilliant, thrilling, and pulsating. To her, it was terrifying. She was damn scared secretly – thinking of me as a psycho killer! I don’t know what the heck I was thinking. Bringing a new bride to a new city and showing this as our first movie. Later, she would recount that experience to my friends and our relatives, laughing at how I had tried to introduce her to cinema by nearly traumatizing her. Only then did I realize she was much more into romance, not grim thrillers. But back then, we were still getting to know each other.  In those early days, I also tried carefully curating Tamil films for her: movies like Visaranai, Madras with solid story telling. In my head, I was saying: look how intelligent and technically competent our Tamil directors are 

And then, on one rare occasion, to impress her on our wedding day, as a surprise I took her to a Kannada film, Mr. and Mrs. Ramachari. She was a big Yash fan, and there was one particular scene where he runs across the college playground chasing a group of rowdies. His screen presence stunned me. His physique, good looks and raw energy -I had never seen anything like that in Tamil cinema. And in my mind, I thought: if this guy ever comes to Tamil, he will eat our heroes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner 

 That’s exactly what happened! He became a pan India sensation.  Though I’ll admit I couldn’t watch KGF – it actually fell into my “20-minute category” where I switch off if I can’t buy into it.

Around that time, I also discovered BR and this forum. After every movie I watched, I would rush to read BR’s reviews and comments. My wife used to tease me: “Instead of discussing the movie with me, you are more worried about what Baradwaj Rangan thinks of it!” I was also sharing “micro-reviews” of movies I watched on Facebook and with my friends on WhatsApp. My friends branded me “Kutty BR” making fun of my unique taste in movies which did not fit popular opinion and mocking my diminutive stature. 

My son was born in 2017, and I had hit rock bottom at work. I had to use all my “sisu” (Finnish for grit – as I discovered the world before the movie) to climb up back. That was when I watched the incredibly inspiring “The Pursuit of Happyness”.  Watching Will Smith’s struggles and grit resonated greatly. When I cleared a major Professional credential which resurrected my career and life, I remember quietly clapping for myself with tears in my eyes – the same way Will Smith does in the movie. Until then, I often said I watched everything except horror and animation. But with my son, I entered the world of animation for the first time – Toy Story and all the Disney-Pixar classics. I love watching him read books and “enjoy watching him enjoy movies” – pleased at myself for giving him lifelong companions to lean upon.

And yet, I began noticing a disconnect. The films that once gave me joy no longer did. Watching “F1” (I loved it) I realized that I was mostly drawn to stories of courage, resilience, and deep emotional values when told in a taut and thrilling manner. I recalled loving movies like “Spotlight”, “Insider”. And in Korean “I Saw the Devil”. My genre was clear. It was an “Emotionally Entertaining Thriller” !

This disconnect with current movies hit me hard when I tried watching Superman. I badly wanted to, but after 20 minutes, I stopped. I couldn’t go on. Maybe it’s because of my diagnosis. Maybe it’s because I have become more self-aware, more sensitive. My emotions feel amplified now, and with them, the urge to express myself has increased. And that has changed how I connect with cinema. Most films now feel shallow.

Looking back now, I am amazed. For years I thought my life was just that of an uninteresting IT professional’s, but when I write this blog, I can’t help but feel that there has been so much drama in my own life 

  Like a movie, it began with shooting in my grandfather’s home, ran through decades of cinema obsessions, and now passes through my diagnosis. And I say “passing through” deliberately because I am filled with hope for what the future holds. Every day gives me joy, because I firmly believe “God’s plan is the best plan”. There are times where I feel like Mammooty in the surreal “Malai Nera Mayakathille” and am super convinced that this is for my good. It is already changing me in a way that I am becoming unrecognizable to my previous self and it’s for the better. My friends are concerned with my new self. I am not. I feel authentic.

Today, I am drawn more toward philosophy and the study of human behavior. It feels as though my lifelong addiction of watching stories on screen has shifted into watching people. In a way, I have become an informal ethnographer – observing people, patterns, and interactions with the same curiosity that once made me chase films. Talking to people more deeply, I see there are so many stories behind a face that we often see. Beyond the basic transactional nature of communication that we have with people around us – beyond the face are humans with families, stories to tell and one needs to only “Ask” and they shall come flowing out. That’s what makes us human – beyond the roles that we play. That is what will matter in the age of AI. The unique ability to connect to each other as humans. The real world itself I feel is more exciting than cinema.

The middle of this week had me taking a 1-day break with family to a beautiful resort in Pollachi where for the first time I interacted with people more deeply than I ever have. One such conversation was with this 68-year-old “Thatha” who visits the resort managing the pottery activity. During a long freewheeling conversation with him, he revealed himself as a Sivaji Ganesan fan. In my mind Sivaji belonged to the school of exaggerated theatrical acting yet I wanted to understand Thatha’s perspective. He said Sivaji felt very real whether he played a policeman, judge or even head of a family. I was also impressed by this story he narrated of how Sivaji had come for shooting to a place near his village and at that time he was playing the role of a specially abled person. Sivaji was supposedly asleep during a break and when someone woke him up, he woke up in character with the same mannerism that a specially abled person would do!

Drifting away from Sivaji, the “Thatha” turned philosophical when he said he always tends to be careful and slow in all his dealings to avoid regret. His sayings felt divine when he remarked “When one is slow, one can always catch up and make amends. When one is fast, he might end up with something which cannot be undone easily” It resonated so much with me. My life was like driving at a peak speed of 100 or 120 kmph. At that speed, everything just flashes by, days pass by so quickly. Now it’s like driving at 50 or 60 kmph. I am noticing and rejoicing in all the details. I am more aware and more grateful. Slowing down has given me the chance to appreciate life richness – to live more thoughtfully and more deeply.

This reminds me of the quote from “F1” movie mouthed by a girl crew member of the pit stop. Her specific task, (I learnt later that of Tire gunner who tightens and loosens screws on the wheels) can be only done by slowing down during those intense few seconds at the pit stop. She reminds herself  “Slow is smooth. Smooth is fast”.